


For a Friend

by Larxicana



Series: Help Wanted [1]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Friendship, Human AU, Humor, Multi, pretend romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 23:26:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6170842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larxicana/pseuds/Larxicana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Heinz receives some devastating news that even Perry can't believe. His ex-wife and brother are getting married. Panicking, he lies and says he has a date too. When confronted, he asks the biggest favor he ever has of his nemesis. </p><p>Human!Perry for a time.<br/>It says Part 1 of a series, but this story stands alone by itself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For a Friend

It was dinner time in the Flynn-Fletcher house and everyone was gathered around the table. The boys told of their amazing day while their sister tried to explain to their parents that everything they were saying was true and not their imagination. Their parents just shared knowing looks.  Perry enjoyed this time, since he was usually out of the house all day fighting evil. He got to listen to what had happened while he was gone then curl up in someone’s lap for a good scratch.

However, today had been a little different. Not once did he get a call from the agency to go check on Doofenschirmtz. He hadn’t even heard his watch go off. Things had been quiet all day. Well, aside from his boys building a six story fun land in their back yard. While it had been nice to be home all day, sort of like a vacation, he couldn’t help but wonder why this was. He hoped Heinz wasn’t up to something big and just kept it quiet for now.

When everyone finished their dinner, they went their separate ways. Perry followed his boys up the stairs to their room, where he curled up on one of their beds to take a wonderful after dinner nap while Phineas absent mindedly scratched his back. This was the _best._

“Phineas, Ferb, do you want some cake?” Their mother called from down stairs not long after, “I picked it up at the store! Double chocolate fudge!”

“Oh boy!” Phineas jumped off his bed, displaying Perry for a moment before giving him a pat on the head, “Sorry boy. Be right back!” He and his brother then hurried out of their room for dessert.

Perry yawned then stretched out, intending on following them down to the kitchen to see if he could get a snack too, when he suddenly heard a sound.

“Psst! Agent P!” Surprised, Perry opened his eyes to look around the room before catching motion on Ferb’s desk. Major Monogram appeared in one of the trading cards, giving a wave. “Over here!” Frowning, the platypus sat up and moved to climb up into the desk card. “Sorry for catching you so late. I know this is the time you usually spend with your family, but Doofenschirmtz had finally started acting up. One of our satellites picked up a strange looking object in one of his rooms. It’s too large and misshaped to be anything other than an –inator. Seems like he’s getting a late start today. You have to go out there and see what he’s up to.”

Though Perry wasn’t happy about being dragged out of the house at such an hour, he gave a sharp salute before jumping off the desk chair and hurrying over to an air vent. He was sure that while his owners would be curious about where he went, but they would just mark it off as him napping somewhere they didn’t look, like the attic or something. He reached out and took the air vent off so he could jump down the duct, sliding to his underground base where he grabbed his jetpack before flying off.

Perry did find it strange that Heinz had made a sound so late in the day. He was usually a morning person. He could remember a handful of times when he had to go over in the evening, and that usually surrounded an –inator that could only work at night. Perry just hoped that he could get back at a decent hour to get some sleep before tomorrow’s trip.

As he approached the large purple building, he circled around and found a window that would take him right into the room where he knew the –inator would be set up. Surprisingly, the window was open, so when he flew in, he was ready for a trap.

Only one never came. After his feet hit the ground, he glanced around, expecting rope or a metal claw or _something_ to come out of nowhere and grab him, but nothing did. Instead, Perry was met with a very antsy looking Heinz, who had his back to him, racking his hands through his hair in a rough motion. He looked different tonight. Instead of his usual lab coat, Heinz was wearing a tan suit with leather patches sewn to the elbows. Perry lifted an eyebrow and chirped to get the man’s attention.

Heinz gasped and turned around, revealing he was also wearing a tie that was horribly done and crooked. “Perry the Platypus! You’re here! Oh thank _god_! I’m almost out of time. They’ll be here any minute.” He walked closer to him, “I need your help.” Perry gave him a suspicious look. “Ok I know that sounds _really_ weird, _me_ asking _you_ for help, but please, completely forget we’re nemeses for the night, ok?” When Perry still looked like he was going to jump right back out the window he came in, Heinz put his hands together, “Just hear me out.”

Perry wasn’t sure what was going on here. Nothing was like it usually was when he came over. Besides, Heinz looked genuinely worried, and he could tell. The man couldn’t barely keep a straight face when telling jokes. Really bad jokes, at that. So with a sigh, Perry motioned for him to continue, hoping he wouldn’t regret it.

Heinz let out a huge sigh, dropped his hands, “Good, ok. This is going to be a bit of _stretch_ , so I want you to bear with me, alright?” He paused, collecting his thoughts, “Tonight my ex-wife Charlene and Roger are coming over and well…” Heinz put his hands to his face, “They’re getting married, Perry! _Married_!”

The agent’s eyes widened, head moving back in shock. He felt his stomach twist as he felt sick, and he wasn’t even the one who was _really_ being affected by the news.

“And do you want to know how I found out? _Vanessa_ told me. Charlene or Roger didn’t even have the _guts_ to _tell_ me! But now that they know that _I_ know, they’re coming over to _talk_ about it.” Heinz ran his hands down his face, looking up at the ceiling, “Ok I know we’re _divorced_ and have been for like _, seven years_ , but that’s not really the point. It still _stings_ like _hell_. My whole life I’ve never been _good enough_ and this is just another example of that.”

Perry slipped out of his jetpack and padded over to put a hand on the man’s pant leg, to offer some form of comfort. He knew of Heinz’s past, the man certainly wasn’t shy to share it. It had been really hard and amazingly, the man came out of it not really worse for wear. Sure he was “evil”, but Perry hardly believed that anymore. He was a genius and if he really wanted to take over the Tri-State Area, he would have already.

Heinz looked down at his nemesis and smiled, “Thank you, Perry the Platypus. You’re always such a good listener.” His expression changed then, looking a little more sheepish as he rubbed the back of his neck, “But the reason I’m glad you’re _here_ isn’t just so I can talk to someone. It’s uh… well… I sort of have a _favor_ to ask. It’s going to sound really _weird_ , like really _really_ weird, but I want you to try and focus on the _why_ not the _why not.”_  When he was sure his nemesis would listen to his plan, he took a deep breath before speaking. “When I found out that they were getting married, I sort of _lied_ and said that I already had this amazing date too, just to get a little even. Sort of like _ha! Take that!_ But then I was left with the task of actually _finding_ a date before tonight, because me and my _big mouth_ said that they would be here _tonight_ , so they could _meet_ them.” Heinz’s shoulders slumped, “I can’t _tell_ you the number or dates I went out on in the last week just trying to _find_ someone to come to dinner. And I mean, you know my dating track record and uh… it’s not _great_. Which brings me to that favor I mentioned earlier.” He poked his fingers together, hardly able to look at the agent at all. “Would you… be my date?”

For the second time that night, Perry was shocked into moving back. He couldn’t be serious. Yes this whole thing was a mess and just down right awful, but was Heinz listening to himself? Did he know who he was talking to? Perry crossed his arms and gave him a look, raising an eyebrow.

“Don’t give me that look! It’s completely _not_ gay. It’d be like a _bro_ doing another _bro_ a favor! Bros do that, don’t they?”

Perry glared at him then motioned to himself with one, annoyed sweep of his arm.

Heinz grinned and held up his hands, “Yes, I know! And I have a plan for that! Ok ok, look.” He finally moved over to the large contraption in the center of the room, pulling the sheet off it. It was the large –inator the OWCA satellites picked up. Perry narrowed his eyes at him. “Wait wait! Just let me finish! This is an –inator that isn’t for _evil_ , I promise! I call it the _Transform-inator_! See, look. There’s this little _dial_ and on the dial there are little pictures of a bunch of different kinds of _animals_.” He pointed to it as he spoke, “I used scrap from my _Platypus-inator_ to build it. What you _do_ is you turn the dial to whatever animal you want to be, push the button and it _transforms_ you into that animal! How cool is that? And look, I installed a human option!”

Perry made a face. The last time he had been shot with an –inator that changed his DNA around, he was sick for a week. He wasn’t looking forward to going through that again. Besides, what Heinz was asking was just _weird._ Just the thought kind of gave him the willies. Yes they weren’t really… enemies, more like friends who fought, but this was a little much.

“I even picked up a suit for you! Although… to be completely honest, I have _no_ idea what you would look like as a person. I mean, a _human_ , because to me, you _are_ a person.” Heinz explained, pointing to the object in question as it hung on a hook on the wall, wrapped in plastic. He then looked back at the agent, “Please? It would only be for one night!”

Perry shook his head. This was just too out there for him. He had helped Heinz with a number of problems before, but he wasn’t going to do this one. This was too much.

“You don’t even have to say anything! You just have to _smile_ and survive dinner. I’ve seen you get through worse!”

Perry glared at him, giving a firm wave of his hands in a ‘no way’ gesture.

Heinz frowned, shoulders slumping before he gave a sigh, “Fine, ok. Whatever.” He lifted his head as he heard the doorbell ring, his guests finally arriving. He turned to leave the room, waving a hand, “You can go. That was all I had. If it makes you feel better, you can destroy my – _inator_. And ya know, curse you Perry the Platypus, and all that.”

The agent watched as his nemesis left. He hated to see him like that, but this was just too weird for him. He would be there to comfort him, but completely changing who he was, it was just out of the question. Turning, Perry eyed the machine before making a move for his jetpack. He knew he probably shouldn’t just leave the –inator there, but he didn’t have the heart to destroy it after everything. He turned to pull the straps of his pack on, adjusting them a little, but paused when he heard voices just outside the door.

“It was nice of you to invite us over, Heinz.” Roger’s voice came, “That’s almost civilized of you.”

“Careful, you’ll start putting ideas in his head.” Charlene said before laughing with her new fiancé.

Frowning, Perry shrugged the straps of his jetpack off before moving over to the door. He pushed it open a little to peer out, seeing Heinz, his ex-wife and brother, and Vanessa were all standing in the living room, dressed nice for the evening. Charlene and Roger stood close, making no secret about their engagement. Vanessa looked tense, working her lip between her teeth.

“Yeah, civilized…” Heinz replied as he watched, shoulders more slumped than usual.

“You know, when I heard you found out, I could have sworn you would have built some silly contraption to put a stop to it.” Charlene told him, waving her hand in a dismissive gesture. “What do you call them?”

“-Inators, darling.” Roger told her.

“Oh right, those things. Honestly, you should put more time into something practical. Speaking of which, where is this mystery person you were telling us about?” Charlene looked around the room.

Heinz opened his mouth to say something, but Roger beat him to it. “Darling, we talked about this. This ‘date’ probably doesn’t exist and never did. Heinz never had luck with dating anyways. Clearly.” He kissed his fiance’s cheek, earning a giggle in return.

Perry frowned at their behavior, acting like they were so much better than everyone else. He hated that. He almost turned to leave, until he saw the look on Heinz’s face. It was a look of utter despair. Not just sadness or uncomfortableness, but heavy despair. His eyes looked heavy, cast down to the ground or anywhere other than the happy couple in front of him. He worked his lip a bit before he frowned, curling and uncurling his fingers into loose fists. The sight pulled at the agent’s heart strings. Perry had seen the man in low spots, but this was nothing like those. This was as deep as one could get.

Frowning, Perry pulled the door closed, a new look of determination set on his face. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew this was probably going to end badly, but he couldn’t just let Charlene and Roger walk all over Heinz like he was a cheap carpet. Perry pushed his jetpack to the side of the room before grabbed the remote for the Transform-inator. He turned the dial to the black picture of a human figure holding its arms out then took a few steps back, making sure he was in the firing line, a new experience for him. Perry then reached up and took off his hat, looking at it for a moment before setting it aside. Tonight, he was going to put aside the fact that they were supposed to be nemeses and be a friend instead.

Out in the living room, Heinz tried to block out the bitter, hurtful sounds of his ex-wife and brother poking fun at him. He was used to the teases, but tonight was nothing like those other times. Vanessa stood awkwardly between her dad and her mom, glancing between the two. She couldn’t believe this was happening. It wasn’t fair to not only her, but her dad too. How could her mom be so insensitive? Then she had the nerve to come over with her uncle and rub their love and success in her dad’s face? Vanessa liked her mom, she really did, but this was unacceptable.

“Dad made an amazing dinner for tonight!” She piped in with a smile, “He really knows how to cook! Have you tried his black forest cake? Wow!”

Charlene rose an eyebrow at her, “Black was all I remember about that cake, because it was burnt to a crisp.”

“The fire department _does_ make quite a few stops to this address.” Roger added with a bit of a smug look.

Charlene laughed, “I’m not surprised. Why do you think we moved around so much?” She then turned her eyes to her ex-husband, “But what I’m really interested in is this date. How did you describe her? Perfect in every way? Everything you had dreamed for?”

“Clearly she _is_ a dream.” Roger added, looking down at her, “Just another figment of Heinz’s over active imagination.”

Heinz glanced up at them, working his jaw a little. He opened his mouth to speak, but the lights in his apartment suddenly flickered as the building groaned. They all looked around in question.

“I knew this place was a dump.” Charlene spoke before looking at her daughter, “Why do you still insist on coming over here? It’s clearly not stable.”

“Oh my god, mom! Are you serious?” Vanessa finally snapped, narrowing her eyes at her, “Are you listening to yourself? You’re being a total bitch!”

“ _Vanessa!”_ Her mother snapped back with a glare, “I’m your mother!”

“Yeah well right now I kind of wish you weren’t!” The girl shot back, “You’re being so immature and disrespectful that I just- ugh! I can’t believe you!” She pointed at her mom, “How can you be so sure that my dad is a failure? He does amazing things all the time! You just don’t want to look! And I bet you, that if he went out and really tried, he would get a date so damn amazing, that you would wish you never divorced him!”

As though on que, a door behind them clicked open, grabbing everyone’s attention. They thought they were alone up here. However, whatever words Charlene was going to say to her daughter quickly died out when a sharply dressed man walked into the room, adjusting the cuff links on his sleeve.

The man wasn’t very tall, but he was clearly well built. His skin was dusted tan, which was complimented by the black suit he wore, one that almost looked tailored for him. He wore a silk black tie with a white dress shirt under his suit jacket. As he walked, his perfectly polished shoes clicked ever so slightly against the wood floors, the only sound in the entire house now. However, the most striking feature of the man had to be his sharp brown eyes and the teal colored hair on his head. His hair had been shaved on the sides of his head, but left long in the middle, swept back with just a brush of his hand.

The man glanced around the room at the people staring at him before looking at Heinz, who seemed just as shocked as everyone else at the appearance of him. He walked towards him, stepping up beside him so he could press his side against his before taking Heinz’s arm so he could wrap it around his waist.

“ _Perry?”_ Heinz finally spoke, still trying to break free of his shock.

Vanessa’s eye got huge, her jaw dropping as she looked from her dad to the man against his side. “ _Perry?!”_ She nearly shouted.

Perry turned his head so he could look at his nemesis, giving him a pleasant smile. He was already playing the game. He grabbed Heinz’s hand and held it up so he could spell out letters against his palm, curling his fingers into different shapes. When Heinz only stared at him, Perry sighed and rolled his eyes. He wished he could punch that stupid look off his face. Instead he lightly slapped the side of his face a few times until Heinz blinked and shook his head. Perry then pressed his fingers to his palm again, spelling something out once more. Heinz looked down at his hand, watching and feeling the different shapes before he realized Perry was actually _talking_ to him. He knew the man knew thirty different languages, but he had no idea sign language was one of them.

He cleared his throat, “You- you want me to _introduce_ you?” He asked. Perry smiled again and nodded, seeming as pleasant and polite as a perfect partner would be. “O-oh, right um… ok. Sorry. You just _look_ um… right. Ok.” Heinz cleared his throat again before looking back at his ex-wife and brother, “Charlene, Roger, this is Perry, my…” he paused, unsure what to call him for a moment, before everything finally seemed to sink in. He slowly brightened, even standing up a little straighter. “My… date!”

Charlene and Roger looked shocked, gapping almost like fish. However, when Perry held out his hand, Roger came to his sense first. Maybe that was the mayor in him. “Why hello!” He shook the man’s hand, a little surprised at how firmly it was returned. “It’s uh… it’s very nice to finally meet you. We’ve heard a great deal.” Clearly a little embarrassed.

Perry took his hand back so he could use it to sign out words. Roger watched, but seemed a little tense and uncomfortable, clearly having no idea what he was saying. With a bit of regret, he glanced at Heinz for assistance. This gave the scientist a boost of confidence. For once he knew something Roger didn’t! And he needed _his_ help! Heinz turned his gaze to watch Perry sign out slower so he could get his message. He then gave the agent a look, “Of course they were all good things! What, did you think I was telling them _bad_ things? What do you take me for?”

“Yes!” Roger added quickly, “Yes, all good things, I assure you.” He chuckled a little, sounding and acting as though he were hosting important people at City Hall. “This is my fiancé, Charlene.” He gave her a bit of a nudge, pulling her out of her shock as well.

“A-a pleasure!” She spoke, shaking Perry’s hand as well. “I’m sorry, you just took me by surprise. Heinz said he had a date but I… well, I hadn’t expect it to be a _guy._ N-not that there’s anything _wrong_ with that!” She held up her hands. Her confidence and smugness from before was completely shattered now that she saw her ex-husband hadn’t been lying.

Perry smiled, though he felt smug inside. Good, that was what she got for being such a bitch earlier. After tonight was over with, he would make them regret ever coming over here to hurt Heinz. No one mistreated his nemesis but _him._

“Oh my _god!”_ Everyone turned their attention to Vanessa, whose eyes were still wide, but with a different kind of shock. When she notice everyone staring at her, she closed her mouth and quickly smiled, “I mean… wow! Dad! I knew you had a date but I didn’t expect him be such a _hunk_!” Perry grinned, finding her quick cover up and acting very amusing. She suddenly glanced towards the kitchen, “Oh, was that the oven? I think I heard it ding! Why don’t we go check on that?” She reached out and grabbed her father and his date’s wrists before dragging them out of the living room and into the separate kitchen on the other side of the apartment.

When they were alone, she turned and narrowed her eyes at them. “I want an explanation _now._ ” She demanded, “Is that really you, Perry? Like, Agent P? The sweet little platypus that always comes over?”

Heinz made a face, “Well I think sweet is a bit of a _strong_ word- ow!” He rubbed his arm when Perry hit him with his elbow.

The agent gave him a look before turning his attention back to Vanessa and nodded.

“But… but _how?”_ Vanessa looked him over, “This is crazy!” She reached out and grabbed his hands so she could hold up his arms to get a better look at him, “You’re… you’re a human!”

Heinz turned to him, “You _are_! Look at that! It’s _amazing_! I guess my –inator worked!”

Vanessa gave him a look, “What –inator?”

Heinz waves his hands, “Ok it’s a _long_ story and I really don’t feel like going into _back story_ mode right now but I asked Perry for a _favor_ and built this _machine_ that can change someone into a bunch of different _animals_ , including human, and it worked!” He turned his attention back to Perry, “Look at you! Have you looked at yourself? How do you feel?”

Perry held up his hands to study them for a moment. He had glanced at himself in a mirror in the other room, but was too busy to take in any deals. He felt… different, of course. His balance was a little off with being taller and having no tail to help him out. It was strange to have toes and fingers with no webbing. He also felt a little naked with the lack of fur, but other than that, he felt ok. No side effects yet. He wondered how sitting down for a dinner was going to go. To answer Heinz’s question, he simply looked at him and gave him a thumbs up. He knew he had a voice now, but when he thought about talking, his tongue felt like lead in his mouth, so he would rather not chance it. His words might come out as gibberish and that would have looked bad. It was a good thing he knew sign language.

“Ok well, _after_ everything is over with, I want more details that just a _thumbs-up_.” Heinz told him, “I may be an _evil_ scientist, but I’m still a _scientist_ and this is really cool.”

“It is cool.” Vanessa had to admit, “You’re kind of short for a human man. Do you think that’s because you were a platypus before?” Perry nodded. “Hm. Well while I don’t understand any of this science stuff, mom and Roger are sure as hell impressed.” She smirked, crossing her arms over her nice, black dress. “I mean, did you see the looks on their face? Totally priceless. After all the trash they’ve been talking, it’s refreshing to see them speechless. Seriously Perry, before you change back, you’ve gotta take a look at yourself. You look amazing. I really like your hair too. Did it just appear like that?”

Perry smiled, feeling good from her compliments. It was also good to know he was doing his job well. He then reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, curling them a little as he nodded.

“That’s so cool. That style is totally in right now.” Vanessa grinned, “We’ll make them regret their decision to come over here and act better than everyone else.”

“Yeah!” Heinz smiled brightly, standing up a little straighter. He looked down at his nemesis, “I can’t believe you actually went _through_ with it! You were so _against_ the very idea! What changed your mind?” Perry frowned a little and pointed towards the door to the living room. “Oh yeah, right… That was… pretty rough.” Hein frowned but it didn’t last long before his excited smile was back. “I can’t believe you would do this for me. You’re the greatest friend I’ve _ever_ had.”

Perry seemed a little surprised at his sincere words, but gave him a little smile and nodded. He knew HQ would probably have a fit if they heard what he was doing, but they would have to deal with it. After four years of being assigned to this man, he realized that that Heinz wasn’t really _evil,_ per say, but instead misguided and mistreated. While yes, he did do things that could hurt people, he seemed to purposely leave a fault in his plan that would cause it to fall apart, like he couldn’t go through with it. Perry had hope that maybe one day, Heinz would stop putting his mind towards selfish, silly things and put it to better use. He would gladly vouch for him if he ever decided to hang up his evil ways and apply at the agency.

“Ok well, I _guess_ I should start bringing this food out. Maybe?” Heinz finally said, looking around his kitchen. “I was busy _all day_ with the _cooking_ and the – _inator_ _building_ and all that stuff. Ya know, I’ve never had a dinner party before. I don’t know where to start.”

Turning Perry glanced around the room before walking deeper into the kitchen. On one of the shelves he saw a small wine rack and reached up to grab a bottle. He had to stand on his tip toes just to reach it. Even as a human he was small. He turned the bottle around to look at the label then looked at Heinz with a raised eyebrow.

The doctor shrugged, “I forgot I had that.”

Perry took a closer look at the bottle and realized it was a really expensive brand. He narrowed his eyes at the doctor.

“What? I didn’t _steal_ it if that’s what you’re thinking! It was a _gift_ , I think.” Rolling his eyes the agent handed the bottle to him and motioned towards the living room. “Oh yeah right! Good idea! Hey wait.” Heinz narrowed his eyes at him, “If you knew sign language this whole time, why haven’t you ever said anything to me until now?” Perry thought about it, but honestly didn’t know, so he just gave him a shrug. “Huh. Well… ok.” With that, he left the kitchen with the bottle of wine in hand.

Perry moved to follow, but Vanessa stopped him. “Hey look, I just wanna say…” she started, lowering her voice, “Thanks. What you’re doing for my dad really means a lot to him and to me.” She smiled at him, “I know it’s kind of weird if you think about it, but you’re really his only friend and after everything that’s happened, he needs someone like you.” She leaned up and kissed his cheek before turning to make sure her dad didn’t break the bottle of wine or do something stupid.

The agent stood there a moment, a little surprised by her words. He touched his cheek then looked down at his fingers. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was in a completely different species classification category now, but everything that had been said to him made him feel all warm and fuzzy. It was strange, but he felt good, even a little proud. So he smiled to himself and decided that he did the right thing by sticking around.

Suddenly there was a clatter in the living room, causing him to lift his head. “Hey Perry? Can you bring out a bottle opener?” Vanessa called to him.

Perry smiled and shook his head before looking through the different drawers in the kitchen to find the tool. “No, dad, you can’t use a knife to open a bottle of wine!” Perry quickly found the wine key and hurried out to the living room before Heinz could make a fool of himself.

In the main area of the house, he found the group was sitting down in a living room set that actually matched. Perry wondered when Heinz got that. Last time he checked, it was just a mess of old, mix-matched chairs. He moved to sit down beside Heinz, taking the bottle from him before he flicked the key open with a quick motion of his wrist. He was a trained spy, given not only combat and stealth skills, but was also taught the basics of blending into society, this included the more privileged. In no time he had the bottle open and poured it for their guests.

“I’m surprised you own anything like this, Heinz.” Charlene spoke up, swirling her glass a little, “Last time I checked, the only whine you knew was the kind children did.”

Perry frowned at her before quickly grabbing Heinz’s hand before he could say anything. He pressed his fingers to his palm, signing out his words as he looked him in the eye. _Say it was a gift from me._

Heinz watched. He had learned sign language a while ago, a long time, actually, so it took him a moment to remember what the different symbols meant, but when he did, he nodded. “That’s right.” He commented, meeting his gaze again before looking at Charlene, “It was a gift from Perry. He knows a _lot_ about things like that.” Perry turned his pleasant smile to Charlene as the woman took a sip of her wine, watching them.

“A very good choice.” Roger told them with a nod, holding up his glass.

Perry nodded to him in thanks before taking a little sip. It was a good thing he had been taught to conceal what he might actually be feeling, because the taste of the wine was absolutely _terrible._ How did people drink this stuff? Even with his human taste buds, he couldn’t stand it. So instead, he set the glass own on the coffee table in front of him and took Heinz’s hand to hold instead. The doctor seemed a little surprised at first, looking down at their hands, but when he saw Charlene eyeing the gesture, he smiled and laced their fingers together.

“So tell us,” Roger started, “How did you two meet?”

Perry knew this question would be coming and he didn’t trust Heinz to come up with a convincing story, so he lifted his free hand, tapping the doctor’s shoulder to get his attention. He then wiggled his fingers, pointing to his hand that was holding his glass. “Oh, ok.” Heinz set his glass down and held up his hand for him to sign into.

_Translate for me. You can’t lie to save your life._

“Hey!” Heinz protested, “I can _too_.” Perry gave him a look, though he looked amused. “Alright _fine_. _You_ can tell the story.” Heinz watched as the man’s fingers started to move, speaking as soon as he figured out what he was saying, “Ok, he says ‘ _I was at the park when I saw Heinz-_ ‘ Is that how you spell my name in sign language?” Perry gave him a look. “Oh oh right, sorry. Ok ‘ _When I saw Heinz setting up some huge, metal contraption_.’ Ok it wasn’t a _contraption_. I remember this, it was the _Desert-inator_ and I was going to turn the city park into a dry and lifeless _plain_.” Perry nodded before he continued. “Ok um… ‘ _I went over to ask him to stop, he was scaring the kids.’_ I think _ask_ is a pretty nice word for what you did to me.” Heinz gave him a look that only earned a smile and a shrug in return.

Perry remembered their first meeting well, their _actual_ first meeting as nemeses. It did indeed take place at the park and it was the Desert-inator he was sent to destroy. He had decided to make their false story as close to the real one as possible so Heinz would have an easier time remembering it all. Of course there were a few changes. He didn’t really _ask_ Heinz to stop, more like ran over and punched him in the face, but he couldn’t say that. Instead, he told their guests that he had talked to him and Heinz got distracted while trying to impress him, pressing the reverse button on his –inator, so when he fired it, it turned the park into a lush, green garden.

“You really have to remind me of my failed first attempt at evil?” Heinz asked him, almost looking as though he was pouting.

Perry shrugged with a smile and continued to sign into his hand. Heinz paused, translating the symbols in his head before speaking, “ _’He fell into a mess of flowering bushes, making-_ ‘ oh I’m not saying that!” Perry grabbed his hand when he tried to pull it away, giving him a look. “No! It’s _embarrassing_!”

Vanessa grinned and leaned forward in her chair beside the sofa where her father and friend were sitting. She held out her hand, “Here, tell me. I’ve been taking sign language in school.” Perry grinned and turned to her, signing into her palm.

“No come on! We don’t need to mention that part!” Heinz protested, leaning forward to try and grab Perry’s wrist to pull him away from Vanessa, but the agent just moved so he could block his attempts with his back and elbow.

Vanessa focused on the different forms Perry was making before she grinned and laughed. “He did not!” Perry returned her smile and nodded. “He never told me that!”

“Told you what?” Charlene asked, glancing between the two.

“Nothing!” Heinz insisted, squirming around as he tried to get around his nemesis to grab his arm. When that didn’t work, he wrapped his arms around him instead and scooched down a seat on the sofa, pulling Perry just out of reach of his daughter.

“Dad fell into these flowers and totally blew up like a balloon!” Vanessa explained, holding up her hands. “Turns out he was allergic to this kind of flower. So Perry took him to the hospital for treatment and when he was laid out in the emergency room, he started saying all this stuff like how _handsome_ Perry was and how _pretty_ his eyes were and,” She turned to Perry, “What else did he say?”

Perry tried to reach out for her hand, but by this point, Heinz had moved all the way over to the other side of the sofa, clearly out of her reach. So the agent started to sign with both his hands instead.

“And how he thought he was an angel come to take him away!” Vanessa laughed, hitting her leg with an open palm, leaning back in her seat.

“Ok! I think that’s enough now!” Heinz reached out and grabbed the agent’s quick moving hands, forcing them down into his lap. “Who’s hungry? I know I am!” He then jumped up, dragging the agent up from the sofa and back into the kitchen. He turned to him, “Really? Really? Aren’t you supposed to be _helping_ me, not making me look even _worse_?” He put his hands on his hips. Perry just shrugged as he smiled. “You’re doing a _lot_ of shrugging tonight, mister. I’m starting to question whether or not this was a good idea.” Perry rose an eyebrow at him, “No! No don’t look at me like that! Maybe _I’m_ not the _evil_ one here! Maybe _you_ are!”

The agent just rolled his eyes with a smile before glancing around. He held up his hands, _Dinner?_

“Oh, right.” Heinz moved over to the oven and opened it. Perry followed to look inside, but his eyes widened when he saw a roast that... actually looked really good. “Oh don’t look so surprised, _Perry_. I’ll have you know I’m a plenty good cook! Just because my – _inators_ blow up doesn’t mean my soufflé would.”  Heinz pulled it out of the oven then shut the door with his foot. “If you’re done making _fun_ of me, you can at least help by getting the _potato_ salad out of the fridge and putting it on the table.”

Perry nodded and did as he was told, following him out of the kitchen with the massive bowl. If he was being honest, this looked like a feast for a small army rather than something for a dinner party.

“Anything I can do to help, dad?” Vanessa came over to the table but stopped when she saw the roast, her eyes going wide. “Wow, did you make that?”

“Why does everyone think I can’t cook?” Heinz put his hands on his hips after he set the main course on the table.

“Well I’ve just never seen you make something like this. Usually the only thing you can make are tools of mass destruction.”

“I can be good at both!”

Perry made an apprehensive ‘mm’ sound, earning a look from Heinz. “There’s a lot of _sass_ going on here. Between you and her it’s like I’m back in _high_ school.” He turned and went back into the kitchen to grab a few more things while Perry grabbed table settings. He knew this from watching Linda set the table so many times. Finally Roger and Charlene walked over to investigate the meal, surprised too.

“You never cooked anything like this when we were married.” Charlene commented.

Heinz looked annoyed, opening his mouth to defend himself again, but Perry saw an opportunity and grabbed his hand, signing into it before he could speak. Heinz watched, but then looked at him with surprised eyes before he gave a bit of a smirk. He looked back at his ex-wife, “I like to make sure _Perry_ is well fed.” He hesitantly lifted a hand to touch the man’s back with feather light fingers. The last thing he wanted to do was do something he wasn’t supposed to and get punched. However, the agent understood and stepped into his side, giving him the confidence to wrap an arm around his waist. “Gotta make sure he grows up big and strong.” Perry shot him a look, elbowing him in the ribs, but ended up dropping his head to the man’s shoulder for added effect.

Charlene frowned, but sat down when Roger pulled out a chair for her. “I’m impressed, Heinz.” Roger said as he sat down beside her, “This all looks very good. I’m glad to see you’re finally doing something with purpose. It seems like this new boyfriend of yours has had a positive effect on your life.”

Heinz paused at his words, looking down at his nemesis. He thought about the past four years, about everything that had happened. Not just the –inators, but about all the times Perry had actually stopped to help him with something when he asked. Sometimes they wouldn’t even fight. He remembered the time he rented that house in the suburbs and they did nothing but sit out in the sun by the pool for most of the afternoon. He wouldn’t deny that Perry was his friend, especially after everything he was doing for him tonight. While he was set on being evil, he had to admit that… yes. His nemesis had an oddly positive effect on him and his wellbeing. They were quite a strange pair, an evil scientist and a platypus, but he really didn’t care. So he smiled back at Roger, “Yes, yes he has.” He lowered his voice and shot Perry a look, “No matter how many times you break my things.”

“What was that?” Roger asked, causing Heinz to quickly look up at him.

“Nothing! Now let’s grub! I’m _starving_!”

As they all sat down to eat, Perry eyed the roast with a bit of hesitation. He had never eaten meat before, never had the desire to. Now he was human and if he didn’t eat something, it would look weird. Still, just the thought made him feel like there was lead in his stomach. It looked really good! He had to admit, he was still a little surprised at that, but he wasn’t too keen on getting sick while like this, human and all. It would just make transforming back even more dreadful.

“What do you want, Perry? The end or the middle?” Heinz asked as he started to cut into the roast and serving slices.

Biting his lip, Perry reached out and grabbed one of Heinz’s hands, taking the knife to set down before pulling his hand close so sign against it. _I don’t think I can eat that._

Heinz watched his fingers move, looking confused before meeting the man’s worried gaze. “Why not?”

Perry gave him a look, making a point of pressing his next word into his palm with some pressure. _Pla-ty-pus._

Heinz gasped, finally understanding where he was coming from. “Oh my god!” Perry jumped, his eyes widening at his reaction

Everyone looked up at his outburst too. “Is everything ok, dad?” Vanessa asked, glancing between the two of them.

“Oh my god, how could I be so _insensitive_?! I was planning this _whole_ thing _all_ day and I didn’t once stop to think about what I was _making_!” Heinz continued, taking his hand back so he could put both on his head, “I was thinking of you but then I _wasn’t_! How could I _forget_? Oh my god, _four years_ together and I completely forgot the _basics_!”

Charlene’s eyes widened, “Four years?”

Heinz pushed his chair back to stand, “I’ll make you a sandwich or something. Do you like PB&J? I made them for you once. Or I can make grilled _cheese_ or some cereal? Oh god that would so _demining_ , having you eat a bowl of _cold_ cereal while we feast like _kings_!” He hurried away from the table and back into the kitchen. Perry quickly followed after him.

He watched as the scientist rummaged through his kitchen, nearly making a mess as he looked for something Perry could actually eat without getting sick. “Where did I put the bread? I _know_ I have some. I had toast this _morning_! Oh no, did I eat the _last_ of it? Why don’t I go _grocery_ shopping more often?!”

Perry rushed over to him and grabbed him by the shoulder, turning him around so he could look at him. He quickly shook his head, waving his hands is a dismissive motion.

“No it’s _not_ ok!” Heinz told him, “I was planning this _whole_ thing – the dinner, the - _inator_ – all day! And not _once_ did I accrued to me you couldn’t eat any of it!”

The agent quickly held up his hands to sign back.

“You can’t just eat _potato salad_! That’s not dinner! Besides, there’s _bacon_ in it!” Heinz pressed his hands to his face, “God, I can’t believe I was more worried about impressing _Charlene_ and _Roger_ than accommodating _you_! You’re _way_ more important than they are!”

Perry frowned as he watched the man tear himself apart. He hated it when he got like this, blaming himself for everything when it wasn’t his fault. The poor guy had such low self-esteem. Reaching up, he grabbed his wrists and pulled his hands away from his face. He pressed one of his hands against his palm so he could sign to him. _You’re thinking about me now,_ putting extra pressure behind the ‘now’ as he smiled at him.

Heinz sighed, shoulders slumping, “But I should have thought about you _earlier._ Honestly Perry, _four years_ we’ve known each other and I can’t even make you _dinner_ without messing it up. It’s just like everything _else_!”

Perry’s eyebrow came together, watching as the man rubbed his face again. He then glanced around the kitchen before moving to open a few cabinets. He pulled out the bread, wondering in the back of his mind how the man had missed it in his wild search, the peanut butter, and the jelly. He set it all out on the counter then pulled Heinz over, pointing at it. The doctor sighed but unscrewed the cap of the peanut butter so he could dig a knife into it and spread it out over a slice of bread. He did the same for the jelly then put them together, setting the sandwich on a plate. Perry grabbed the man’s hand to sign against it, _Now you’ve made me dinner._ He told him with a smile.

Heinz’s eyes widened a little as he looked at him then back down at the sandwich, “I… I guess so. But it’s not very _fancy._ ”

The agent picked the sandwich up to take a bite out of it, chewing for a moment before using his free hand to speak silently, _Tastes pretty fancy to me._

The doctor finally smiled, relaxing again. “Thank you, Perry the Platypus.” Perry nodded to him before picking up the plate in one hand and taking Heinz’s in the other so they could both return to the dining room.

“Everything alright?” Roger asked when they returned, “That was a lot of yelling.”

Heinz rubbed the back of his neck as he sat down, “I uh… I sort of _forgot_ Perry couldn’t eat meat in my _haste_ this morning.” He looked at the agent in question after he sat back down, “I’m really sorry.” Perry shook his head at him, but Heinz kept going. “It’s really _not_ ok. Don’t worry, it won’t happen again. I mean, if you still _want_ to have dinner with me some time. Though if you _don’t_ , I totally understand. I can’t believe I forgot such a huge _detail_!”

Perry frowned as he watched the man start to slowly work himself back up into a panic. He didn’t want to handle that again, so he would have to distract him. He set his sandwich down on his plate before grabbing the man’s chin to hold him still so he could press a kiss to his cheek. This completely stopped Heinz’s line of rambles as his eyes widened before his face turned pink. Perry couldn’t remember the last time the man was so quiet. It was definitely refreshing. Certain that he wouldn’t hear a word from the man for at least the next fifteen minutes, he went back to eating his sandwich.

“Well that’s _one_ way to get dad to shut up.” Vanessa commented with a little smirk, earning a look from the agent across from her.

“You’re a vegetarian, Perry?” Charlene asked as she cut into her meal, watching Heinz for a moment before looking back at his date.

Perry nodded before looking to Vanessa to translate for him, since Heinz was in his own world now. Vanessa watched his hands move slowly before speaking, “He says he can’t eat meat. His body won’t let him.”

“How interesting.” Charlene continued, “I’m a doctor, you see. Has it always been like that?” Perry turned his gaze to her and nodded. “And is there a particular reason you can speak too?”

“Mom!” Vanessa looked at her in almost shock.

Charlene shrugged, “What? I’m curious. I find it interesting that Heinz has a partner that can’t speak, since _he_ can’t seem to stop.” She glanced at her ex-husband but he was still deep in his mind, quietly eating his meal. She turned her attention back to Perry to wait for an answer.

Perry had to think. People didn’t just _not_ talk, unless something happened to prevent it. Granted, he couldn’t just say he was a platypus before this and had no development of his vocal cores whatsoever. So instead, he signed something else to Vanessa. “He says there was an accident.” she started, “He doesn’t want to talk about it.” While she knew the real reason Perry couldn’t speak, she still reached out to pat his hand in comfort, earning a little smile.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Charlene replied, “You and Heinz seem to communicate well enough, though. I’ve noticed you don’t really have to sign anything and he knows what you’re saying.”

Perry nodded and held up four fingers.

“Four years, right? I heard Heinz say it. You’ve been together that long?”

The agent shook his head and looked to Vanessa to translate for him, “He says they’ve known each other for four years and just recently got together.” Vanessa explained, “About a year, right Perry?”

Perry didn’t like adding details to their lie. It added difficulty in remembering, but he could see what Vanessa was doing. She was trying to make it sound like they were happy together. Which Perry assumed they were, though for totally different reasons. There were a few times when he had a different nemesis and it was terrible. Then there was another time where Peter came to Danville and tried to steal Heinz. Perry was still bitter about that. But even though they weren’t happy together as a _couple_ , he found he was still quite content with his arrangement, so he nodded in answer.

“That’s so nice.” Roger said as he put down his knife and fork so he could take a sip of his wine. “I’m glad Heinz has finally found a constant in his life.”

“Huh?” Heinz finally spoke up, lifting his eyes to look around the table.

Perry bit his lip to keep from smiling too wide, finding his daze very amusing. He took his hand to sign against.

“Oh! Dessert! Wow, is everyone finished _already_?” Heinz looked around the table to see that everyone’s plates were clean.

“It was amazing, dad.” Vanessa told him with a smile, standing to take up everyone’s plates. When she got to her dad, she kissed his cheek before disappearing into the kitchen.

Heinz touched his cheek in surprise before looking at his nemesis, “I’m getting a lot of _kisses_ tonight and I have no idea how to feel about it.” Perry just shrugged. The scientist stood from the table then to disappear into the kitchen, reappearing with Vanessa right behind him with plates. “I hope you saved room, Perry, because I made your favorite!” The agent watched with curiosity as Heinz came over and placed a cake on the table. “Black Forest!”

“Ooo!” Vanessa grinned as she eyed it, “Yum.”

Perry would have to agree. He had it once when Heinz had built his Bring-Out-the-Dessert-inator and while he had eaten _way_ too much, he did like it. So when he was handed a piece, he happily dug in. While being human was really strange and this whole acting like a couple thing was even _stranger_ , he had to admit he was enjoying himself. He liked Heinz and Vanessa, so he didn’t mind spending time with them, though it would be better if Charlene’s constant negativity wasn’t there. At least Roger seemed to be warming up to everything. After he had seen his brother wasn’t lying about having someone in his life who had also made a positive change to it, he dropped the negative teasing and seemed pleased by the change.

Not long after dessert, Roger stood from the table, “Well I think we’ll be heading home.” He took Charlene’s hand to help her up before walking around the table to his brother. He put a hand on his shoulder after he stood as well, “I must say, I had some reservations earlier tonight, but after everything I’ve seen, they’ve been completely put to rest. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… I’m sorry for how I acted before.”

Heinz’s eyes widened, “You _are_?”

“Yes. It… wasn’t very nice. I should have believed you.” Roger smiled at Perry, “Your boyfriend is a wonderful man, very polite and charming, but most of all, he makes you happy.” The two nemeses shared a glance. Roger then held out his hand to shake the agent’s, “I thank you for that, Perry. For so long my brother has been miserable but now he seems to have purpose again. Well, constructive purpose, that is.” He chuckled a little.

Perry shook his hand in return, glancing at Heinz, who was still dumbstruck.

“Say goodbye, Charlene. We both have work in the morning.” Roger told his fiancé.

The woman came up to Perry and shook his hand, “It’s been a pleasure.” She told him, though her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. She looked at her ex-husband, “Take care of yourself, Heinz. I’ll bring Vanessa by tomorrow.”

“Yeah, ok.” Heinz replied in his daze, holding up his hand in a little wave.

Vanessa smiled and walked to her dad to give him a hug, “See you tomorrow.” She then turned to Perry and gave him a big hug too as she lowered her voice, “You’re pretty good at being a human, really good looking too, but I think I like you better as a cute little platypus.” She murmured in his ear before giving him a kiss on the cheek, “Thanks again, for everything.” Perry smiled and hugged her back, feeling warm and fuzzy inside again.

With that Heinz’s guests left, leaving the two alone in the apartment. Perry sighed, his shoulders slumping as he felt the wear of acting all night. He rubbed his face, but nearly jumped out of his perfect suit when Heinz came rushing up to him and grabbed him by the shoulders.

“Did you hear that?!” He shouted, eyes wide as well as his smile, “Roger actually _apologized_ to me! He was _happy_ for me! Not once in my life has he actually been _nice_ to me!” Heinz stepped back to punch at the air, laughing, “We showed him, didn’t we, Perry the Platypus? He thought I was a total _loser_ but I’m not! Ha!” Perry smiled as he watched him dance about. Heinz continued to laugh as he rushed out onto the balcony, looking down towards the street to watch Roger and everyone else get into their car to leave. He then went back into the apartment and up to his nemesis, holding out his arms, “Can I give you a hug? Come on, for celebration! Just _one_ hug! Please don’t punch me!”

The man’s excitement was unfortunately infectious, causing Perry to sigh before opening his arms a little. Before he knew it, he was being hugged so tight, he gasped. His feet left the ground as Heinz leaned backwards, causing Perry to grab onto his shoulders in case he was dropped. He had no idea the man had this much strength. He hoped he had a spine after this. Finally he was set back down, causing him to sigh, leaning over to put his hands on his knees.

“Heh, sorry. I got a little _excited_.” Heinz told him, stepping back as he rubbed the back of his neck. “You know, hugging you when you’re like this is _way_ less stressful because I’m always worried I’m going to _crush_ you or something when you’re a little platypus because you’re so _small_ and _soft_ and _cuddly_.” Perry lifted his head to shoot him a look as he caught his breath. “Ok maybe not _cuddly_ , but my point still stands.”

When the agent caught his breath, he stood up to press his hands into his back so he could lean backward and crack it. He gave a pleased sigh when a loud pop was released.

Heinz watched, “How are you feeling? That party must have lasted like four or five _hours_. That’s a long time to be in a completely different _species_ classification.” Perry nodded, rubbing his face, but then shrugged. “Tired, huh? Yeah me too. Let’s get your changed back and we’ll call it a night. You know what? Let’s call it a _week_. After what you did for me tonight, you deserve a week off, like a _vacation_! I promise you won’t hear a peep out of me for the next _seven_ days so you just enjoy yourself and do _whatever_ it is platypuses do.”

Perry smiled, cheering up considerably at the thought of a vacation. He couldn’t remember the last time he had one. Just the thought of doing nothing but laying out in the sun or being with his boys all day for a week was enough to make the whole night and all its oddities worth it. Plus, he felt good about what he had done for Heinz. The man seemed so much brighter now. Perry strongly believed that doing good didn’t just stop at fighting crime, and this was a fine example.

The agent followed Heinz to the other room where the transform-inator still stood. He eagerly took his position in front of it while the doctor changed the setting from human to platypus before pushing the button. There was a bright green flash and the power in the building flickered for a moment, but when everything died down, the nice clean suit Perry had been wearing was crumbled up on the floor.

Heinz set the remote down and walked over to it, leaning over it, “Perry?”

The pile moved and suddenly the platypus’s head popped out from the top, giving it a shake. Heinz gasped, standing up to put his hands on his head. “Oh my god! Who are _you_?!” He shouted before leaning over to pick him up, “It’s just a regular _platypus_! What have you done with Perry?”

Perry’s eyes widened as he looked at the man, putting his hands on the doctor’s, but his eyebrows dropped. He could easily recognize him as a human, but still didn’t know who he was without his hat. He sighed.

Heinz set Perry down when went to dig around the pile of clothes, “Perry? Perry!”

The agent walked over and picked up his hat, where he had placed it on the floor just before changing. He brushed it off before placing it on his head then turned back to the doctor to tug on his suit jacket. Heinz looked up from his search then gasped in delight. “Perry! _There_ you are! Oh I was so _worried_! How did you get over there?”

Perry rolled his eyes before he moved over to his jetpack, moving to strap it on. He couldn’t wait to get him and curl up on Phineas’s bed so he could sleep in until noon.

“Perry.” The agent looked up when he heard his name, watching Heinz fidget for a moment before he smiled, “Thanks.” Perry smiled and gave him a thumbs but before activating his jet pack and flying off.


End file.
